Enough Pain- Calling in Peace.

Here we are, in what feels reminiscent of the start of February 2020 and the increasingly deranged and uncertain times. Since my last piece: Leaving the Rat Race for Good (posted a few days before October 7th) I've been on a hiatus from writing, and like many- bid farewell to Substack who has been fostering the words of Nazis. After months of being on the move, I am now living in Antigua, Guatemala. Land of some of the world’s most active volcanoes.

With many close Israeli friends whom I have met over my 3 years of travelling, grappling with the triggering situation in Gaza and the West Bank has been testing. Truthfully, I’ve felt unsettled about what to address in my writing and unsure of myself in moments. (Being called a racist, an antisemite, and worse… Ironically as a result of standing against genocide and 75 years of occupation). As a person descended from both oppressor and oppressed ancestors, I strive for open dialogue that promotes understanding and empathy at the human level.

This period has shown me that there is no singular theme to encapsulate my unconventional lifestyle, opinions, thoughts and thus, my writings. In migrating to Beehiv, I've taken a step and given my newsletter a new name…

Welcome to the new chapter— Had Enough? A gentle activist newsletter that encourages us to question, embrace the unconventional and step into the mystic where there is enough, we have enough and inherently- we are enough. In essence, it is an exploration into the less commodified paths towards lasting joy, peace and collective freedom.

Hello February👋🏽 and a Little Life Update:

January unfolded as a long month of regathering.

Balancing the weight of world events, deterioration of friendships, and triggering feelings of homesickness after my family visited Mexico, I felt pretty fragmented and scattered- around the world, literally! My head was in London, my heart was in Palestine and my feet were on the ground in Mexico. In December, I solo travelled through beautiful towns and landscapes of Mexico by buses and boats and into Belize to spend Christmas in a cabin in the jungle with my best friend.

When the sun rose on New Year’s Day, an amber tint broke through the clouds, leaving a hazy glow among the cloud forest. It was stunning and I’ve often felt guilty in these moments of complete serenity over the past few months. Shedding tears of pain while remaining grateful for my situation.

But when I looked closer at the forest, I was reminded of what chaos was taking place within those trees. The paradoxical nature of existence became apparent, where moments of profound beauty coexist with the unseen struggles within the depths of the forest.

If you’re reading this, you likely also celebrated Christmas and New Year’s without bombs falling from the sky. Guilt struck many of us over Christmas and left us questioning- ‘how can I wilfully experience joy in times of such detriment?’

Unravelling Guilt:

Unravelling guilt within us requires acknowledging and accepting the coexistence of joy and pain.

These last few months, it’s felt like we’ve been living in two worlds at once. Until you realise we always are.

I last wrote to you a few days before the genocide in Gaza reignited and Israel unleashed 25,000+ tonnes of explosives on innocent men, women and children. Three days later, my family flew over to celebrate my 30th with me in Mexico. Over the next 4 weeks, my mum, nephew, sister and I celebrated my birthday in Puerto Escondido, released turtle hatchlings in Mazunte, visited the Edward James surrealist garden in Xilitla, and experienced the famous Day of the Dead in Guanajuato.

A whirlwind and we had so much fun together in Mexico- but the guilt was relentless. When my family left, my family travel-planner autopilot mode switched off and I was left again with my thoughts and feelings about Israel & Gaza. The distractions had gone and night terrors were becoming my nocturnal companions. I was addicted to doom-scrolling, unable to process the horrors on our screens and the loss of deep friendships whom I’d not yet mourned.

So much pain intertwined with so much beauty.

Accepting Paradox

• Is there any way we could be or would want to be conscious of all the horrors taking place amongst humanity all the time?

• Am I as aware of what is going on in Congo and Sudan, as I am about Palestine?

• Why not?

Palestine is not the only country experiencing horrors in the last 75 years. Nor, in the last 120 days. Part of my work is to educate people on the historical and present-day occupation of our minds and bodies. I see the genocide in Palestine as nothing more than a big screen mirror of what is deceptively happening in front of our eyes, all of the time.

There is a level of discernment needed to stay afloat to avoid being paralysed with fear. We can retain our peace by leveraging the power of gratitude, be it for your physical reality or your privilege to dream and make a change. Humanity has gone overboard plotting, creating and rendering fear on 24-hour screens. Though I have no choice but to accept this paradoxical existence, I can define my access to it and therefore my peace.

What I am trying to make sense of is, that when we accept that pain and joy will always exist simultaneously, we can turn our focus to gratitude. This thought inspired me to write this post. I am still human, I am allowed to experience beauty and joy. All the while remaining connected to my deep-rooted human endeavour for freedom and peace for all.

Creative Expression & Pain Release

I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that pain is always present.

• Do we have the capacity to hold space for all of the pain?

• Do we have to?

• Are we bad people if we don’t?

There is always so much going on in the world, that we can’t possibly carry all of the pain on our shoulders. Or be aware of every struggle. Even so, we are still aware it exists.

Solace and release can always be found in the written word, and other creative mediums to unravel our emotions. In times of joy and pain, the simplicity of a pen meeting paper can provide refuge. Writing stands as a timeless ally for getting clear and releasing pain from our chests and shoulders. For example, in January, I wrote this short poem, a snapshot of the scrambled heartache within my mind and soul, offering a space for healing and understanding. On the theme of accepting paradox:

Corruption and courage

Darkness from the White House

An Uprising on Downing Street

100s of 1000s silence screams

From the voices of the voiceless

Louder than any ‘leaders’

Riding the waves of beauty and chaos

With grace, gratitude and growth.

Writing not only helps us come to terms with the pain, but it also provides the grounds to release it. Through creative expression we can get clear on our inner truths and the global circumstances.

I also recently attended a group energy exchange with Asmara Kazmi (a close connection on LinkedIn) who provided photos of recent victims in Gaza. Allowing a space every month to connect with the victims of war as humans rather than as numbers.

I lit a candle and sat with the 20 victims dedicated to me, and after having conversations with their pictures, unexpectedly started singing through the pain. There was sorrow and emotion in my voice, a release of the distress I’d been holding onto. I expressed gratitude and love for the lives of the families, the artists, the farmers, the writers, the mothers, fathers and children who had innocently lost their lives in the face of hate.

Final Words: Truth & Joyful Resistance

In a world where fear and division are promoted through 24-hour media channels, we have the power and responsibility to reclaim our truth and thus our narrative. There will always be someone trying to promote fear and division through the powers of the media. We reclaim that power through acknowledging truth, and the practice of resistance through gratitude and joy.

Joyful resistance emerges when we refuse to succumb to the narratives of despair. Defying attempts to divide us. Through creative expressions, we not only discover our inner truth but also unite against the forces that seek to overwhelm us with fear.

To retain peace within our minds, it's necessary to embrace the complexity of our experiences without succumbing to the weight of guilt. Meaning that rather than suppressing moments of joy, we forge an understanding that experiencing joy does not diminish the empathy we hold for those enduring hardships.

Our greatest act of rebellion lies in reclaiming the narrative for ourselves. As we navigate the complexities of our existence, we affirm our commitment to truth, joy, and the pursuit of a future of collective freedom.

Many of us are struggling with what’s happening in the world because we grieve alone. I hope this piece helps you to come to terms with the ongoing grief in this crazy time. As such, I wrote this post to give a little bit of hope and make space for collective grieving. To share my pain with you and hopefully, it reaches your heart so you can release that pain too. If you are in pain, please know there is always a safe space with me if you want to reach out.